Akiko no Kokoro

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Reformat This!

After...mmm, I'd say six or seven HOURS of scanning my computer for viruses and spyware, Dell had me reinstall windows. Now...I actually had to delete the C: partition and then recreate it. I deleted my computer. Then reinstalled windows and had only a recycle bin. Scary. I lost every frackin' file on my computer. I had over 110,000 files. And on top of that, IT STILL DIDN"T FIX THE PROBLEM!!! So I call my ISP because Dell says it's a problem with the router, and the ISP tells me it is the computer. After arguing that waiting two weeks to have someone come out and see if they can fix it, the guy has me unplug the modem and router and put them back in and viola! It works just fine. SOOOOO, I lost everything for nothing.

Of course, I learned how to right click on the desktop, hit properties and then display and thus change my background. *blink* Of course I did hear of the doctor who couldn't get the CD to load because he was putting it in upside down. *bangs head into wall repeatedly* Time to sleep.

Posted at 22:24 by akiko
(2) have touched my soul

Saturday, July 30, 2005

Please Post Responsibly

Seriously...if you can't spell for shit, use the frackin spell check in word then cut and paste. Moreover, if you can't even speak with typical English grammar, DON"T POST! I swear, if I can't figure out what you're saying that's pretty damn sad considering I speak four languages and can understand most people who have an accent or are talking with their mouth full. They claim to be in college--studying chemistry. If you can't even type two coherent sentences in a forum, you sure as hell aren't going to pass chemistry. What is wrong with people? A blog is one thing, a forum is another. Please, if you can't post a coherent thought and you're going to get angry at people when you are too lazy to read what they said or find out if they even responded to you, and you are too lazy to TRY to type coherently, do us a favor and don't F'IN post!

*breathe, breathe* Okay, in other news, my body hurts from the amount of exercise the past couple of days. I think the headache is permanent now. Joy. On another note I got a Sony Psych to listen to while I exercise. It's kewl...I downloaded the Stand Alone Compex OST 1 and FMA soundtracks into it. Much better to exercise with music. And it's a hell of a lot smaller than an IPOD. :P Anyway, pounding headache...later!

Posted at 01:50 by akiko
(2) have touched my soul

Sunday, July 24, 2005

There should be an age limit

Alright. I understand that the internet is a wonderful fun magical place for all ages and opinions to learn and communicate. HOWEVER. What IS it with stupid people lately? Maybe I just shouldn't try to keep up with forums or the like. I mean...this one person, it took me seriously a full minute to decipher: carictores I had to think in SPANISH--which I don't speak fluently by the way, to see Characters. Granted now I see how it looks like some related words, but I doubt this person knows them. Here is a list:

showe
majer
sargent
epasode
interseting
agin
caritores

That is ONE post. Almost seven complete sentences. The next post:

lissons
majer
armestrong
millitary
Issball
fare

That post is almost four sentences long and in it, the person proclaims s/he doesn't understand why someone would listen to another simply because they are much older than they are. -_-

I swear to God, I am going to make it my sole purpose in life to set up an internet filter. The really sad thing is that this forum PROVIDES a spell check for the post!! And oh how funny it was that the person who posted "you all can't handle the truth so I'm not going to tell you the truth" was completely ignored by myself and another person who just continued our posting around him/her. GEEZE! Where do these people come from??

At least cherries still taste good. In other news the story I'm currently writing is totally fucked up. ^_^ In fact it's so...umm, not what I was really planning that I might take this section out. We'll see where the other parts of the story come into play. However, this part has the sister defeat the enemy too late and in an effort to save her brother's soul from hell, she rips it out of his lifeless body and basically purifies it, taking the injury of it upon herself. I also haven't decided if he dies, she dies, they both die, or they both live. We'll see. Yeah, you'd think I was smokin crack. If you wanna read it, go to http://www.livejournal.com/~autumn_anrui/ and click the fake cut.

The funny thing is I sat down with something entirely different in mind, but the music I was listening to just sorta...I dunno. It's lacking editing and a LOT of little details that I just simply haven't put in. It was one of those, brain faster than finger things, so it was everything just to get it typed out. I'll prolly edit it some tomorrow. Then again, I may have an entirely new section. Twenty two pages, not bad for about maybe 3 or 4 hours. Ah well, back to my cherries and FMA music.

Posted at 04:45 by akiko
(2) have touched my soul

Friday, July 15, 2005

Why do I...

Why do I love cereal, but only in the middle of the night? And my obsessive craving of milk, where did that come from?

Posted at 01:47 by akiko
(4) have touched my soul

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Warning! Escapee on the Loose

Suspect: mosquito, approximately the size of my thumbnail. (And I have tiny hands)

Crime: sucking my blood and causing annoying itchy spots about the size of a dime

Location: two on left arm, one on right elbow, one on side, one on back of my left shoulder; five total

Whereabouts: unknown, perpatrator disappeared by midday

If you have any information regarding the capture and/or preferrably death of this ciminal, please let me know.

*grabs can of raid and piece of wood to go hunt it out with a crazed anime face*

Seriously, FIVE TIMES. It wasn't that big...I be it drank itself to death. Fucker. HOW do they find me. I wasn't even outside. ARGGH!! Stupid pale Irish skin. In other news, I just finished doing a ton of research on the story I'm working on...omg. I actually forgot how much I missed research. I remember having 20 books on the formation of the solar system spread around my dorm, each opened to a different part while I'd pull one into my lap and type. *Sigh* Those were the days. And I'm not kidding, it was twenty books. I had to carry them. I took ten at a time. Not much has changed...I still stay up at all hours writing and reading. Kind of nice to find SOME consistancy in my life. Lately, everything else is falling apart. Heh, maybe I'll be able to throw this story together and get it published...then again I'll probably get frustrated halfway through and just glare at the computer. Ah well, rome wasn't built in a day they said. By the way, you ever try to research angels and demons? Oh my god. There is a lot of just crap on the internet. There is also relatively little for what I'm looking for. However, I think I found enough tonight to form the backbone of the story. Sad thing is, this is just the foundation, not even the main plot story-wise, and its just about the history of the characters who are ALREADY DEAD. Meh, leave it to me to do that to myself. The idea came first, then I realized I couldn't progress too far unless I knew where everyone came from and why. Wheee...

By the way...not that anyone else cares, but they took Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex off adult swim and put on Cowboy Bebop. Not that I have anything against bebop, in fact I own the series. But dammit I wanted to watch Ghost in the Shell again to try to get more of it since I missed the first couple episodes. Oh well, at least I get to watch the first ten episodes or so of Fullmetal Alchemist. I had read the manga--not that the anime follows it at ALL--so I had some idea of what was going on, but still. Is good to see the beginning of the anime too.

Just because I'm starting to ramble from sleep deprivation. I bought a new toothbrush. A sonic care. Because I can't afford to have problems with my teeth and the difficulties my mom is having worries me. I hate genetics and it seems I got the shaft on them all. Anyway, just FYI in case you've never used an electric toothbrush...I didn't know what I was expecting, but I put that thing in and all the sudden my whole damn mouth is vibrating. You can't push on it or it stops, but it's really hard to fight back the automatic response of BRUSHING with a toothbrush. It worked really well, but it felt like I had a small current of electricity in my mouth or something. My mouth was buzzing. It's kinda funny if you think about it....

Posted at 05:01 by akiko
(3) have touched my soul

Friday, July 08, 2005

Vicious

Man, so I joined a forum and have discovered a couple of things. Most the other forums I have joined were book forums (cuz I'm a DORK) and everyone had read the books. (And just FYI the sky is a beautiful purple-pink color. Sometimes it's a good thing to stay up all night.) Anyway, I'm used to people knowing what's happened and in this forum not everyone has. It's terribly frustrating to not be able to discuss beyond into the more finer points of the plot because they simply haven't seen it. So I have resigned myself to basically saying nothing unless it is in a spoiler thread. The other thing is DAMN some people are vicious. I made a comment about Fullmetal Alchemist not being continued after the movie because I thought it would take away from the storyline the similar to what happened with Rurouni Kenshin after the Kyoto Arc. Someone replied--although they weren't nasty thankfully--correcting me by saying the reason the arc was so crappy was because they did it without the manga being written. So I responded politely saying I wasn't referring to that, but that if they would have stopped there, it would have been good, but because they didn't, it sucked. It sucked ass. Since FMA doesn't exactly follow the manga AT ALL, it really is a moot point. I was using it to illustrate and example of how when people decide to do a second set they always seem to fuck it up. I guess maybe I should have chose Cowboy Bebop and said well it ended, so it needs to stay ended. (Although I would have had to HIDE that text because it would have implied important characters died--whether they did or not) Sometimes you just can't win for losing. I understand what the person is saying, that it would have been good--MAYBE--if they waited for the manga, but then again, these are the same people who decided to go on without the manga they were trying to follow, so I really don't think I would have trusted it would have been good. Besides--IT"S NOT A FRACKIN KENSHIN FORUM! adrrrr. ARGH.

But seriously, there are a couple of people on there who like attack other people verbally...kinda makes you not want to post there. So yeah...I may be looking for a new place to discuss FMA. Damn. However it was amusing to read the post about the guy buying bootlegged stuff on ebay or whatever...cept he's posting it on the Funimation site...the company he's screwing over...yeah...genuis. He got attacked by the wolverines too. *toothy grin* Sometimes it's more fun to just watch. ^_~

Posted at 05:55 by akiko
(5) have touched my soul

Monday, July 04, 2005

My demented mind

Wow. So I just got inspired to write...so I start typing it out and I realized just how fucked up my brain is. Talk about some dark corners in there...damn. I guess I just didn't realize how messed up it was. Should be an interesting story when it's done though. *shakes head* Maybe it is the music: Dante by Ooshima Michiru from Fullmetal Alchemist. It started out innocently enough with a girl chipping caked mud off her boots and then went to people being torn apart to the point where they don't look human. Lack of sleep can be a bad thing maybe... If anyone wants to read what I have so far, let me know. Feedback is always a good thing. Here's a small bit from a different part of the story:

She sighed as she sat down on the makeshift cot. "Stupid advisor. Stupid brother. Stupid king." She reached for the lamp and stopped, looking at her hand.

~~~ "Sister! Sister!"

"Shh, I�m here. What is it."

"It�s so dark." He clung to her as if she was the only thing keeping him alive. In some ways, she was. "I wish mom was here. She always brought light when I was scared."

She looked at her little brother. Just seven years old and already he had seen more than most men in war. Her brain searched for a way to calm him and finally she found what she sought. "Well, that�s because she knew how to use the light inside herself."

"Huh?" He opened beautiful blue eyes glittering with tears in the starlight.

"Look," she commanded as she reached out her hand in front of him, her other still tightly wrapped around him. "You can see my hand, right?" He nodded. "Well, that�s because I�m using the light that mom gave us. Sometimes it just takes us a moment to get it started, but if you relax and believe, you will see it illuminating your body and then it will spread to the rest of the world around you."

Slowly, he reached out his hand to touch hers and heard his intake of breath. "Mother."~~~~

Something wet hit her hand and she blinked. The memory had faded, but the emotions hadn�t. "Such a sweet lie." She fell back onto the cot fully dressed and with the lamp still burning. Her arm shielded here eyes from the light and as she finally drifted into tormented restless sleep, she wondered if it was to hide the tears or to hide from the light.

� Kalla July 4, 2005

Posted at 06:31 by akiko
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Friday, July 01, 2005

Bath Mats and Rainbows

So my mom wanted to put one of those mats that suction to the floor of the tub in my shower so I wouldn't slip. I didn't want it cuz I always slip on them. Well, I hadn't...but I did tonight. And hit my leg, right were the seam of the wound is. Thankfully it was just the side so hopefully the damage isn't bad. I sat with ice on it long enough and put neosporen on it to try to help it more if the wound started to reopen, but I don't think it did. *knocks on wood* Yesterday the doctors said I just needed to not bump it. I put my foot in and the damn mat slides away and my other leg hits the tub to try to stop me from completely falling. I'm more than a little annoyed and haven't slept yet. I suspect I won't until this afternoon sometime. *sigh* I'm really sick of my sleep patterns. And apparently I've been upset enough to through my whole female system out of whack despite the medication for it. And now I have this stomach ache thing going on...ugh. Still it could be a lot worse. I am going to take it easy today just in case, but I could really use something going right for a change. Not that they're terribly bad, but I'm just sick of feeling like I'm always fighting an uphill battle or takin' one step forward and two back. Oh well, I guess it was a good thing I bought the fourth season of South Park. Anyway, I can't sleep cuz I'm upset and paranoid about hurting my leg further in my sleep so I figured I'd try typing it out to see if it helps me sleep. It hasn't, but since I took the time to type it, I'm posting it. Mornings are quite beautiful anyway...how the dawn comes and the grey light fades in through the blinds...and the illumination grows gently until you realize you can see quite clearly in the light again. It's a warm and inviting feeling...but so soft you could fall right back asleep if it faded a little darker. I saw the opposite I guess it was last night now. The sky was a deep red with the sunset and covered with storm clouds. The lightening played across the sky like dancing silver. And then I saw it...it was beautiful. A rainbow, but not just any rainbow; a red rainbow. It had all the colors of a regular rainbow, but it was completely staurated in a strawberry glow. I suspect I may never seen something like it again, but it was so peaceful and warm. Regular rainbows can be pretty, but there is something about them that makes them see far away, untouchable, and cold. This one felt closer, as if you COULD reach it, you COULD feel it. Delicious.

Posted at 06:06 by akiko
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Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Wine and Annoyed Boredom

Okay, so this is what happens when I have a glass of wine and get pissed off at adult swim! I mean, they should just show that full section of Fullmetal Alchemist rather than keep ending in the middle of the story like that. Dammit. And Ghost in the Shell!! OH! What is up with having him shot and lying in the street and just ending!? WTF?!??? That's a great ending. Grrrr!! I'm sure if I actually had a life and a boyfriend he'd be laughing his ass off right now! So if anyone's single and around the age of 26 and wants to laugh, give me a ring! ^_~ 'Kay, not really, but still. Stupid quiz...they're kind of addictive though. I was going to post it, then not, and decide it wasn't that long so I'd do it. Plus, some people might be surprised by some of the answers...*cough* Not that anyone reads this blog, but oh well. Oh, I can drive again!! YAY!! I get to drive to physical therapy in a few hours...yay. I should probably sleep...thus the wine, which in combination with reading fanfics has me in a state of excited depression and my brain hurts. Ugh! The wine, however, is almost finished, so I had best be going. Maybe tomorrow I will scan in my favorite pic from Fullmetal Alchemist Manga Vol. 1. Ed looks like he's doing a freakin' swan kick or something. Ah hell, I'll just do it now. I dunno why but I found it quite amusing, before I had any wine. I'm really not had that much, but I'm just an emotional bundle of nerves at the moment so yay. At least I can get out of this apartment--since I still can't unpack!!! GRRRR!! Anyway, enjoy the pic. ^ ^ I'm thinking of redoing this layout again...hmm...wonder what that will look like.

PART I: Music

1) Spell out your name with bands

I tried to do this, but I can't.

2) Have you ever had a song written about you?
Yes.

3) What song makes you cry?
Ano Yume no mukou he-- Kugimiya Rei.

4) What song makes you happy?
Down Together--The Refreshments

5) What do you like to listen to before bed?
Crickets? As long as it's not those damn birds CHIRPING.

PART II: Appearance

HEIGHT: 5'2".
HAIR COLOR: Strawberry blonde.
SKIN COLOR: Pale.
EYE COLOR: Blue.
PIERCINGS: Ears.
TATTOOS: Nope.

PART III: Right Now

WHAT COLOR PANTS ARE YOU WEARING?: Pants? *smirk*
WHAT SONG ARE YOU LISTENING TO?: Youwa--Ooshima Michiru.
WHAT TASTE IS IN YOUR MOUTH?: Chateau St. Michelle Riesling.
WHAT'S THE WEATHER LIKE?: HUMID.
HOW ARE YOU?: Finally getting my life back.

PART IV: Do You...

GET MOTION SICKNESS?: Ohhh yeah.
HAVE A BAD HABIT?: Depends on who you ask.
GET ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS?: Nope.
LIKE TO DRIVE?: As long as I have my music.

PART V: Have You...

BROKEN THE LAW: Yup.
RAN AWAY FROM HOME: No.
SNUCK OUT OF THE HOUSE: No.
EVER GONE SKINNY DIPPING: No.
MADE A PRANK PHONE CALL: It was pretty good too. I was up for the challenge and the guy thought he remembered me...poor soul.
EVER TIPPED OVER A PORTA POTTY: How one trips OVER one is a bit of a conundrum to me...
USED YOUR PARENTS' CREDIT CARD BEFORE: Nope.
FELL ASLEEP IN THE SHOWER/BATH: o_O uhh, no.
BEEN IN A SCHOOL PLAY: In the pit!
LET A FRIEND CRY ON YOUR SHOULER: of course.

PART VI: Love

GIRLFRIEND/BOYFRIEND: Not at this time.
CHILDREN: Want to have two little boys...and I will eventually.
CURRENT CRUSH: Don't really have one. Obsessing over Fullmetal Alchemist Storyline, but that's about it.
BEEN IN LOVE: I'm not sure...if I have it was only once.
HAD A HARD TIME GETTING OVER SOMEONE: Hmm...not abnormally so.
HURT? THE HURTER OR HURTEE: Urgh...I do the break up and it hurts me to see someone else in pain, but usually I'm the one that makes the decision.

PART VII: Random

DO YOU HAVE A JOB?: Two actually...more if you include the private lessons and tutoring I do.
YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?: I'd be a mechanical pencil with a decent eraser.
WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY?: To be near my bro and see him smile and happy. To see my mom happy.
WHO MAKES YOU THE HAPPIEST?: WHO? I suppose my drawing and music. Happiness is something you create.
WHAT'S THE NEXT CD YOU'RE GONNA GET?: Possibly the Fullmetal Alchemist Soundtrack...then again...
WHO DO YOU CONSIDER GOOD FRIENDS?: The handful I call my friends are good friends and they know who they are--and if you don't you damn well should so ask! ^_~

PART: VIII: When/What Was The Last...

TIME YOU CRIED?: Yesterday.
YOU GOT E-MAIL: A few hours ago.
THING YOU PURCHASED: FMA phone strap.
TV PROGRAM YOU WATCHED: Full Metal Alchemist/Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex.

Posted at 02:27 by akiko
(2) have touched my soul

Saturday, June 25, 2005

aoi sora (Blue Sky)

So I just finished watching Fullmetal Alchemist. I won't reveal too much of the plot just so I don't spoil someone else's journey through the story. It is one of my favorite animes now. It is very deep and although very dark, there is also laughter and light. And hope. I knew from the start that I identified far too much with the characters in the story. I know what it's like to watch your little brother suffer a terrible fate and be unable to fix it. I know what it's like to try to pick up the pieces--both with him and without--of a life that is destroyed; of dreams that can never be. I know what it's like to just have to move forward because standing still hurts and you can't go back. I know what it's like to be trapped on the other side of a door, unable to reach the other...but to still hold that hope deep inside that someday you will find a way back. Funny how I identify with stories like this...stories that seem so fantastic and magical but yet so real. Perhaps there is a little magic in this world, in this reality. Perhaps what makes it real is our belief, or our need, to hope for something more. Life isn't fair, but there seems to be a lesson in everything--even if it's not for ourselves. When you watch someone suffer for four years at the expense of others ignoring the lesson presented to them, you realize the trade is not equal. You create your own personal hell trying to figure out why and in the end you can't fix it. And even when you move on, you realize no matter what, you still can't go back...there is always some price. Things are complex beyond comprehension and yet it is as if the complexity gives life a purity that is so simple we cannot grasp it. Perhaps some things you can't return, but you also learn that there are some things more important...some things that you would give your life just for the hope that it would make things okay for someone else...

The memories that connect us to each other are very deep and strong. Perhaps more than anything else these are the things that hold us together, regardless of who we are. Maybe the pain we feel is the price we pay to feel the joy. Then again, perhaps the price is somewhere within ourselves...something we unconsciously decide upon to absolve ourselves of guilt. Life is such a fragile thing that people toss around like pieces on a chess board...but regardless of what you believe, you only have this life now. Many seem to loose sight so easily until it happens to someone close to them. Our mortality...is it our price for the time we spend in this world before we return across the viels of time to where we originated? If you struggle and struggle and do not obtain your goal... have you truly gained nothing? They say it is about the journey, not the destination but is that really true? Sometimes countless lives are spent to reach a goal--it's their life work. Was that solely about the journey?

Happy moments seem so fleeting in a world of pain, almost like a creul joke used to bring us hope. Hope that we hold onto because we want to believe, hope that causes the deepest despair. It seems like a vicious cycle. Perhaps if we just let go of these things we will find we don't need to hold onto to them. Some part of me wants to believe that if we act selflessly and with love we will not need to feel pain, guilt, hope or despair. We simply will experience life for what it was meant to be. It sounds like a child's wish more than a truth...but sometimes children speak the truth. What happens when you cross the borders of this world to the next? Is it just another life? Are there countless layers of ourselves all over time and space that we can access if we learn how? Can we draw upon their strength and knowledge to aid us in this life? How, then, are we who we think we are? What affect would that have on our other selves or those worlds? We would be but a mere fragment of the whole, and most unaware of the greater powers of the universe. Is there really a universal truth? Or is what makes it universal that it is within ourselves? For that matter is the truth important, for in the end we all meet the same fate, don't we? I do not believe in hell, but I believe in the possibility of a self-created one. A hell in which you cannot let go of your beliefs when faced with the truth and become trapped in that personal hell you envision.

Perhaps my greatest question at this time is what makes us alive? What is life and how does the soul fit into it? We can already create animals from simple cells, looking indentical to their hosts once grown properly. If you've seen this series that should sound more than a little scary. One day, someone greedy with either power or conciet will force the same with human genetics. Perhaps we don't have alchemy, but we have science. What then, is to save us from the same horrors in the series? Would this created being bear a soul, and if so whose? If any body can house a soul like that, couldn't souls just go from one person to another when the body was unhealthy or too old? For some reason that doesn't seem to be how it works, so creating a human body from genetics would be just that...an empty shell, but not a human being. Is the soul what tells me what is right and wrong, what I believe and discard...or are those things that I learned from the world around me? And at what cost would we learn to do this? To perfect this process? How many lives would be considered expendable? One of the main--if not the main reason--I steered away from genetics as a career is fear of someone using any work I did for their own personal gains rather than to better humanity. In science, there is little that is not controlled by someone higher up, so despite my interests I chose another path.

If these beings are created, these clones as we might term them, would they have feelings? Would they really be alive? If they are alive, they should be free to live their lives as any other human, but if they are not...is it right to bring them to this world? What if you were a being with a brain...you could learn and move and do everything just like the next person, but you lacked a soul. How would that change you? If you could feel the pain of being different, of being less than what you are supposed to be to be human? What makes someone's life so dear to us? Is it the shared memories or is it something more? If it's something more...can you experience that without a soul and if not...how would that effect these creations? What if you felt like you were being grown to be harvested, except you knew what that meant and were aware of your individuality and mortality? Wouldn't you want to survive at any cost? Isn't that a fundamental principle of any creature on this planet? If they look like normal humans, learn and think like normal humans, and feel like normal humans...but are still empty, what reason do they have to like this living hell we created for them? Perhaps the death of humanity will not be through terrible wars, the death of our star, or erradication by an alien race but through our own selfish endeavors and fascination with immortality.

Posted at 04:14 by akiko
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